Just some words about some emotional pain I am going through.
You know, sometimes I just want to yell “leave before you get hurt any worse” but I can’t cause this friendship is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
I know, I need to leave before I hurt him worse.
He deserves better than to pick up the pieces of my heart.
I never bothered to pick up the pieces, so why should he?
I’m being selfish by keeping him here. Where if he stays he’ll only get hurt.
Am I being selfish for holding close one who is helping me heal?
Is it bad to want to heal, while it destroys the other?
He does not deserve the destruction I have become. Everything I touch unravels, I have never brought anything but pain.
If he could only see what I really am.
Then he would know the best thing to do is to leave and let me self destruct.
Why can’t he see it?
Why am I too weak to do what is best for him?
If I truly loved him, I would do what keeps him safe, regardless of what the consequences are for me.
Only my fantasy’s keep him here.
The stories in my head of being rescued.
Is it horrible to want to be rescued?
Or is it true that I can only rescue others and none will come for me?
Am I destined to fall apart while I save others from drowning?
I used to tell myself “I’m fine, I don’t need rescued. What do I need rescued from?”
Only now I see that I was wrong, I do need rescued but I am a survivor, I can save myself, I know I will survive, but I am tired of pulling myself up for the next wave.
Is it awful to want to be saved by someone elses hand?
Is it possible?
Oh, why can’t he see?
I’ve given him the hints, I’ve told him I can survive on my own. So why doesn’t he save himself and leave? Does he not believe me? He’s smart, so why can’t he figure it out? Doesn’t he know that’s it’s better to live to fight another day?
I wish I could say that I don’t want him around. That he isn’t helping, that he isn’t a comfort in the pain.
Then I could walk away, but I can’t!
I know that I will only bring pain
I know I’m only hurting him
But he makes me believe that I can be saved
That I’m not alone
But I am a survivor and I will always be able to survive to survive on my own
Am I meant to survive this or am I meant to save him too? From myself
Until Next Time,